When bedtime turns into feeling like a battleground for parents of
toddlers and preschoolers, it really sucks. Bedtime battles are hard for everyone and
we all start to dread the evenings. Suddenly, a little one who was
once happy to snuggle into bed starts resisting bedtime with all the
tactics — requests for another story, more water, or that desperate
last-minute plea for the bathroom.
This resistance very often stems from one simple truth: sleep means
separation from you, and that can feel overwhelming for them. But
there can also be other things at play here.
Understanding and addressing these challenges with empathy and a
few practical strategies can make a world of difference. Below, I’ll
share some tried-and-tested tips to help ease bedtime struggles
while honouring your little one’s needs.
1. CONNECTION TIME: MEETING THEIR EMOTIONAL NEEDS.
For many toddlers and preschoolers, the desire to stay up longer often masks a deeper need for connection. Sleep is, after all, the biggest separation they experience from you each day. One way to reduce resistance is by ensuring they feel emotionally fulfilled throughout the day and especially at bedtime.
Think about your child’s love language—do they thrive on physical touch, quality time, or words of affirmation? During the day, weave in connection-focused activities that resonate with their needs, and add a couple of these into the bedtime routine. For example, a few extra cuddles, talking about your favourite part of the day, or a quick game of “I spy” on the way to bed can reinforce those feelings of connection, making the transition to sleep smoother.
Another tip here is rather than saying night night, or time for sleep - focus more on calm & relaxation AND reconnection. So you might say something like “it’s time to turn our bodies off now, let’s do it together” and turn each part of your bodies off with a little story narrative around it. And then you can focus on the reconnection: “ I cant wait to see you in the morning” “tomorrow, we’re going to have such a lovely day together” “in the morning, why don’t we do .... together before nursery / school”. This helps focus on connection rather than the separation that “go to sleep” brings.
2. SETTING AND HOLDING BOUNDARIES: KIND, FIRM, AND LOVING.
While connection is vital, holding boundaries with kindness is essential too. This isn’t about being strict; it’s about creating a safe environment where your child knows what to expect. Boundaries offer structure, which helps children feel secure, even if they don’t always like them.
Little ones naturally push against boundaries to understand where the limits are and how much flexibility exists. This is actually a normal part of any child’s development. They are also highly curious about how their actions influence those around them, often testing boundaries to gauge the reactions of adults. For them, this isn't just about defiance; it's a way of learning and exploring their environment.
Start by communicating your boundaries outside of stressful moments. For example, you could say, “Tonight, we’re staying in your bedroom after bedtime starts.” When they test this boundary, respond with empathy: “I know you want to keep playing, and bedtime means it’s time to rest. We’ll play more in the morning.” By holding the boundary with compassion, you validate their feelings while staying firm on the limit.This consistency helps reduce bedtime battles over time.
When children know what to expect and see you maintaining the boundaries with love and understanding, it reassures them, even when they push against it.
3. CHECK THE TIMING: ARE THEY TRULY TIRED ENOUGH?
Sometimes, bedtime battles occur simply because the timing isn’t quite right. If your little one isn’t tired enough, no amount of routine will get them to settle easily. Take a moment to assess whether they’re truly ready for sleep.
If bedtime is consistently met with resistance, it might be time to shift things slightly. Push the start of your bedtime routine to begin about 30 minutes before they usually fall asleep. If they’re still napping during the day, consider capping the nap by 15 minutes at a time to see if it makes a difference. Do this in conjunction with everything else.
Timing really is everything when it comes to smooth bedtimes, so don’t be afraid to adjust where necessary.
4. CREATING A CALMING ENVIRONMENT: IS THEIR BEDROOM CONDUCIVE ENOUGH FOR SLEEP?
Get curious: is their room as calming, safe, and cosy as it could be? For some little ones, the sight of toys around the room can be overstimulating, especially after the lights go out. Scary shadows can also creep into their imagination, making them feel unsettled so make sure you check these once the lights are out.
Consider simplifying their sleep space and creating an atmosphere that feels soothing to them. Soft lighting, gentle colours, and a space free of clutter can help create a calm environment. A red or amber nightlight or blackout blinds might also help if they’re sensitive to light or dark.
5. OFFERING CHOICES: ENCOURAGING AUTONOMY.
Toddlers and preschoolers thrive on independence. One reason bedtime battles arise is because they feel like they’re losing control. Offering choices throughout the day, and especially at bedtime, gives them a sense of autonomy without overwhelming them: helps them feel more in control and therefore reduces resistance.
For example, throughout the day, let your child choose between two breakfast options or which route to take to the park. Also, choices can be woven into the bedtime routine in small, manageable ways.
For example:
"Would you like a bath or just a body wash tonight?”
“Which PJs would you like to wear, these or these?”
“From these three books, which two shall we read tonight?”
By offering these small, manageable choices, you allow your child to feel empowered, a sense of independence which feeds their desire for control, and keeping the options limited avoids overwhelm and meltdowns.
6. NIGHTTIME STRATEGIES: CREATING COMFORT AND REASSURANCE.
Introducing comforting bedtime rituals can help ease separation anxiety and make sleep more inviting. Here are a few ideas you can try:
A Special Story: Read the same calming, connection-focused story every night to create a predictable and soothing ritual.
Magic Sleep Spray: Create a magic spray filled with glitter (or highlighter makeup) and a gentle essential oil blend that they can spray around their bed for them to add something special to their sleep space. Lavender works wonders.
Family Pictures: Hang pictures of you and loving family members on the wall to offer comfort and remind them of the people who care for them. Have a little Saying ‘see you in the morning’ ritual at bedtime.
A Special Something: Give them something of yours to look after, like a t-shirt or a scarf, as a reminder that even though you’re not with them, your love is always present AND that they’re important to look after something so special of yours. if it smells of you thats an extra bonus as smell is a great sensory input to help connection and calm.
7. GENERAL SLEEP HYGIENE: GOING BACK TO THE BASICS TO CHECK THINGS OFF.
Good sleep hygiene is always good to go back to for promoting healthy sleep habits. Beyond what’s been mentioned already, here are a few additional tips to consider:
Consistent Sleep Rhythms: Creating some consistent rhythms with wake up times can really help regulate their little body clocks, this will in turn then help with bedtime timings and figuring out what time is best for your little one.
Avoid Overstimulation Before Bed: Wind down with calming activities in the hour before bed—think quiet play, reading, or cuddling.
Limit Screen Time: Minimise screen exposure at least an hour before bedtime, as blue light can interfere with melatonin production and delay sleep.
Balanced Diet: A diet rich in whole foods and free from excess sugar, especially close to bedtime, can support healthy sleep patterns.
Movement and Exploration: Encourage lots of movement and outdoor exploration; it's a therapeutic outlet. Being in an open, safe space also allows them a little bit more freedom and autonomy. Up the physical exercise more than usual.
Adapt Bedtime Routine: Be open-minded about changing the bedtime routine as your little one grows. A bespoke bedtime book or visual routine cards are another good way to get them more eagerly involved, and part of the process.
8. DON'T FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF: CALM STARTS WITH YOU.
Lastly and most importantly, you. You matter in all of this. To help your child feel calm and supported, you need to feel the same. So we’ll need to try and reframe negative thoughts about bedtime as much as we can - to help you do this, make sure your own needs are met before starting the bedtime routine, so you can be fully present and emotionally available.
Ensure you’ve taken care of basics like hunger, thirst, or needing the loo, and make yourself comfortable—whether that’s being in your pyjamas or having a glass of water nearby. Eliminating distractions like chores or tasks you need to complete afterward can also help reduce stress.
When you feel calm, it’s easier to extend that calm to your little one through co-regulation so have to hand whatever helps - headphones to listen to an audiobook, music or podcast, some breathing exercises or positive mantras. Figure out what helps you best find your calm and have it with you for settling to sleep time or for when you’re met with big emotions to help regulate your own nervous system.
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